Monday, July 9, 2012

my philosophy on love

i believe any man could be the right man for me, at any given moment in my life. i also believe that people come into our lives for a reason, be it to teach us something, to help us through something, or to just enjoy the great times together.

in all of my past relationships, something hasn't quite been in line to keep us in love for the long run. accordingly, i have spent a lot of time looking back on what i consider my most successful relationships. i examine which parts of the relationship were fully satisfying for me, and which parts could have been improved.

now at 27, i think i've finally got a theory that seems to hold water for me, as well my friends who i've explained it to.

love has three elements: mind love, heart love, and sex love: for lasting love, all three of these elements must be in line.

first, mind love. mind love is having stimulating conversations, and being able to make each other laugh. it also means being able to understand each other, and be patient when things aren't alright. mind love is the insatiable adoration that you have for your partner's brain. you want to hear that person's thoughts, and you enjoy the way the express themself. of course, your partner should also be as interested and crazy about the way you think, which gives you the energy for those amazing into the night conversations that just make life feel so worth it. think before sunrise.

next comes heart love. heart love is missing your partner, and the happiness and enjoyment that comes simply from being near that person. wanting to spend more time with them, having a hard time saying goodbye, and staring at your partner's photos are all signs of heart love. it's also that feeling inside you when you hear those three magic words. heart love can lead us to do silly things, like midnight drives in the rain, and it's probably what romeo and juliet were feeling when they snuck away together.

now we come to sex love. sex love shows itself after a long day out in the world, coming home and embracing as soon as the door is closed. sex love is the throw down, the i-need-you-now, the groceries-in-hand kisses. the passion, when you stare at your partner and just admire the little idiosyncrasies that make them yours. when the hedonists in you both find paradise in one another's arms, and never feel it is enough. sex love is exclusive, primal, and absolutely worth losing sleep over.

so what happens when one of these loves is out of line? the relationship is so close to perfect, but part of you is left a little unsatisfied.

if mind love is out of line, you might end up fighting where understanding is needed, or resenting the logic of your partner's decisions.

if heart love is out of line, someone might be too busy to make the "goodnight" call, or you might start wondering if your partner still has feelings for a former fling.

if sex love is out of line, your once passionate kisses could turn into pecks.

i realize this is a grand simplification of relationships, and that there will be many people who could disagree with my three concepts. However, when I look back on my own life, I see relationships which start out with two loves strong enough to overpower the missing link. As time goes on, though, the third missing love starts to show itself, and by the end of the relationship, it comes to overshadow the other two loves.

i like to think of them as the chakras of love, three glowing hot spots that everyone has in them.

it just takes the right person to light them all up.


  1. Totally agree with this. I can also look back on relationships and see which love was out of line...

  2. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Seems to be a good way to separate different feelings that get all mixed up when you are with a mind/heart/sex loved one. For me it'll be useful these days. Thanks for sharing that :)

  3. @Thisbattered suitcase - thanks for listening to this post in the works before i published it!

    @raphael - i hope my philosophy can help you clarify things :) thanks!

  4. Wow what an awesome post, I agree with you on all points!

  5. You are so right on this!

    I am afraid I will always have one or two love's that will overpower the two or one that works.

  6. hey kerri. i've watched your videos for a while and read your blog. they're both great! i too am from toronto and i am living and teaching english in incheon for 9 months now.

    i have a korean boyfriend here and i am starting to develop serious feelings that i never thought would be possible. despite feeling lost in translation at times, he is someone that i hold dear. however, i am leaving in 3 months and i know i am never coming back to korea (didn't quite enjoy it as much as you did/do).

    what's your approach to the way your relationship is? i remember watching a video where you said you would never raise a child in korea, so even if you two were to be together, what's the likelihood of him moving to canada/elsewhere?

    i am starting to love my boyfriend, but feel so broken hearted about the pain that's to come in 3 months when i board the plane. and i know i will not want him out of my life.

    quickly realized love can't conquer all.. not space and time.

  7. @ Chunbum - thanks for the comment. i hope my ideas can help you :)

    @ Anonymous - thanks for the comment! my approach is just to be totally honest, and out my feelings out there. if i'm worried, i tell him, and if i feel something isn't working, i try to talk about it. luckily he is also very patient with me and wants to make the relationship work as well, so we spend a lot of time working out how we can make our relationship last.

    yes, i love korea, but i don't foresee myself raising children there for the long run, so we have to find common ground for a country that we would both be happy living in.

    good luck with your return home :)

  8. This is exactly the post I've been wanting to write for awhile now :) Thanks for sharing your thoughts on love with the world. Its always comforting to know you're not alone.

    From one 27 year old Canadian trying to sort out life, love and relationships on the other side of the world

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  10. I probably read more about love than I ever got to feel in my life. But what you wrote seems to be so true. And this little piece of writing is so inspiring and, somehow, makes me think of Elizabeth Gilbert's style of writing(it just seems like something she would write - and this makes everything even more amazing). So thank you. Thank you for sharing this theory with us. These are words meant to be kept in a little corner of mind, and re-read whenever they will be needed.

  11. I read this a few days ago and let it sink in... with some time to think about it, I realised how much sense it makes. Yes, it may be simplified, but I would say it is poignant! What insight!

  12. this makes so much sense! While I've never been in love, I have to agree.

  13. This definitely makes sense. I've had three relationships before and only one of them had all three perfectly balanced. The other two were totally uneven. As you said, I know these three things are simplifying everything but this totally makes sense.


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