Showing posts with label introspective. Show all posts
Showing posts with label introspective. Show all posts

Sunday, June 30, 2013

When life demands more than you can offer

When it feels like the outside world is a dream, and the only reality is you and a hospital monitor that beeps every second.



I believe every person is allotted an amount of stress that they are able to cope with. It might be higher for some people, and lower for others, but I think that everyone has their own stress threshold. The stresses of normal life - a critical remark from a co-worker or a piece of technology not performing properly - these stresses are manageable, and do not become catastrophic. We manage stress by rewarding ourselves, taking breaks, going to sleep early, and generally just by taking care of ourselves. But, when a person is thrust into a serious situation where every moment of time is used up, the normal stress coping mechanisms go out the window. Without taking the normal breaks and time for oneself, stress can build up to a boiling point very quickly if left un-managed. Unfortunately for me, I experienced a great deal of stress in a few days in a hospital last month, and my own means of coping with stress disappeared, as did my ability to take care of myself. There was no option to put myself or the person in need first - obviously I would eat when my help was no longer needed, or take a seat when the chance arose. At that time, it was more important to do everything I could to help that person get better.

Now that she is back to normal, and beginning life as a new mom, I am happy to see the pictures she sends of her new baby. I am happy for her life, and the way our relationship has become so enriched by this bonding experience. I am also happy for her relationship with her fiance, as I saw firsthand how deeply he cares for her, and how much he was willing to sacrifice for her well-being. I am happy that their lives have become normal, and the stresses they face are now the common experiences among all first-time parents.

One thing that has impressed me in this experience is the great effect that one person's life can have on another person's life. When I went to the hospital to help out, I never thought that I would be forced to change so much of my life. I'm supposed to be studying in New York, right now, but I had to cancel that study program. Instead of spending the summer studying in a cubby hole in the New York Public Library, I'm taking a semester off. I'm supposed to be moving back to Korea in August, but I missed my opportunity to apply for jobs and now feel wiser and slightly wary of my dream-like state of life there. I'm supposed to be living my own life fully, and in many ways I am not yet able to do that. And, ironically, now I'm the one who is taking the medicine.

"What does not destroy me makes me stronger"
- Nietzsche

I've always believed the above quotation, and had applied it to the difficult times I had experienced in my life. Before this trauma, my most difficult times were break-ups and travel horrors - but these difficulties don't compare to staring death in the face and singing someone to sleep not knowing if they would awaken. They don't compare to feeling like the outside world is a dream, and the only reality is you and a hospital monitor that beeps every second. When you cry because you hear the songs of birds for the first time in 3 days and realize the outdoor soundtrack you've taken for granted all your life. When you don't want to talk to anyone, or be talked to by anyone, and miss the opportunity to spend an afternoon alone. When every phone call is needy, and every minute demands a new task. When all people within arms reach are asking for you, wanting your time, needing answers, and haphazardly offering suggestions to you. When all your muscles ache but you didn't notice until that moment in the shower. When your brain betrays you, and won't allow sleep when it knows you've been up for days. When you feel wrinkles burrowing into your skin and long for the morning routine of grooming yourself. When you consume nothing but tea and muffins courtesy of someone else, and seek only a moment to sneak down to the hospital food court and order your own take away meal. When every eventual morsel of food you eat is the best you've ever had. When you think just a second anonymity would mend you. When every part of your body and mind feels like it can't keep going.

Something inside of me kept pushing me forward, onto the next step. Something told me to keep going, to keep moving, to keep walking.

During my worst moments, I felt nearly clairvoyant. I had the ability to x-ray anyone around me and determine if they were mentally well or in need of professional help. I felt lifetimes smarter than everyone else, and I felt ecstatic to finally see my whole life through a crystal clear rear view lens. A natural analyzer, I examined all of my friendships to determine who was safe for me to be around. I examined every person that I knew, and decided whether they were healthy or not. Now that I am returning to my quotidian life, I feel that my emotional intelligence will be better than it has been. I also think I will be able to take care of myself better, and be able to recognize when I am giving too much.

"Time heals all wounds"
- Unknown

It's not true that time heals all wounds, because every wound is different. Some wounds might never heal, and perhaps the inevitable distance of time from an unhealed wound is all the healing one can wish for. I certainly feel that the distance in time since this trauma to now - over 5 weeks - is helping me to heal. With each passing day, I feel closer to me. Closer to what I know to be me.

With persistence, professional help, and a lot of hard work and self reflection, I want to come out of this stronger and wiser, with the ability to take better care of myself.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The next year of my life


A happy afternoon spent wine tasting in Mendoza, Argentina

Sitting here in my hostel in Mendoza, I try to envision the next year of my life. It's harder to imagine than it used to be.

Before arriving in South America, I was certain I would return to Korea after finishing this trip. I had a boyfriend there, and full intentions to return to him and the life I have there. Plans involving living in Seoul, working at another Education University, continuing to improve my Korean skills, and deepening my friendships and the life I love in Korea.

That was before South America.

That was before these magical countries captured a place in my heart that I never knew was there. A place that loves the warmth of red wine, the wild beats of salsa, the romance of speaking Spanish, and the vast mountain and ocean landscapes. As I spend my days here amazed by the sheer diversity of natural beauty before me, part of me wonders why I wouldn´t try living here.

The other part of me, the Asia-loving, chopstick weilding, funny sticker booth photo-taking, rice field admiring, crowded subway riding, Korean speaking, public sauna attending part of me... it longs for Asia, and in particular, Korea. I miss it so deeply, and only the Korean phrase "그리워요" seems to express my longing appropriately.

Sometimes, when you travel the world, you end up so positively open that you can fall in love with almost any place. It´s just a case of finding the place which will make you the happiest. Here, as I continue to travel, I need to start making that choice.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

inbetweens and constant things

quick moments with the hummingbirds of cocoura, colombia


the reality of travelling for an extensive period is that many of the fundamental elements of your life become fleeting.

the friends you meet are exciting and strange, but as they are near the end of their trip and you at the beginning of yours, the time your paths cross is limited.

the great hostel bed that you find, (with fluffy pillows and a heavy duvet the way you like it), is only yours for a few nights.

the souvenirs, alluring and colourful, become tokens of places and moments which we can't keep living.

the delight you find on a new island of beautiful creatures and crystal clear seas brings joy to your heart, and makes you so happy to be there, but not without a tinge of sadness that it can't last forever.

the best plate of guacamole of your life makes your tastebuds leap for lemon heaven, and though you eat the same dish for the next 4 days straight, the road is calling, and you have to leave.

in ecuador, i sit and wonder, am i not like the hummingbird? flying still for moments over one flower or branch, only to catch a glimpse of the next flower to taste.

through all the motions, the packings/unpackings/repackings, the "ciaos" and the "holas", the gazings out bus windows... through all the changes, it seems the constant elements of your life appear stronger, and more constant, than ever.

for me, the constant element i feel strongly now is my family. when i call home, i love hearing about the repairs to the roof and the cat taking his medicine. i love the constancy and routine of the life my parents live, and wonder a bit myself when i might have such constancy in my life.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Do you ever...

Do you ever click out of your life for a few days, just waking up, going along with the day, and falling back asleep?

Do you ever feel like sometimes you forget where you are, for want of the past, or dreams of the future?

Do you ever then, suddenly, click back into your life after feeling away for a few days, and look upon it with new eyes? With wonder, gratitude, and awe?

I feel like this right now, as I look back upon my photos from the past week.

Sometimes it's a simple case of becoming truly conscious of where you are which helps you appreciate it. There's nothing wrong with clicking in and out of life; it's how we manage to do our daily business without our hearts exploding over the miracles of language, breath, and memory.

I hope, for you, that you can take a moment today to feel conscious and grateful of where you are.

Ipiales, Colombia

Otavalo, Ecuador

Las Lajas Church, Ipiales, Colombia

Otavalo, Ecuador

Popayan, Colombia

Monday, July 9, 2012

my philosophy on love







i believe any man could be the right man for me, at any given moment in my life. i also believe that people come into our lives for a reason, be it to teach us something, to help us through something, or to just enjoy the great times together.

in all of my past relationships, something hasn't quite been in line to keep us in love for the long run. accordingly, i have spent a lot of time looking back on what i consider my most successful relationships. i examine which parts of the relationship were fully satisfying for me, and which parts could have been improved.

now at 27, i think i've finally got a theory that seems to hold water for me, as well my friends who i've explained it to.

love has three elements: mind love, heart love, and sex love: for lasting love, all three of these elements must be in line.

first, mind love. mind love is having stimulating conversations, and being able to make each other laugh. it also means being able to understand each other, and be patient when things aren't alright. mind love is the insatiable adoration that you have for your partner's brain. you want to hear that person's thoughts, and you enjoy the way the express themself. of course, your partner should also be as interested and crazy about the way you think, which gives you the energy for those amazing into the night conversations that just make life feel so worth it. think before sunrise.

next comes heart love. heart love is missing your partner, and the happiness and enjoyment that comes simply from being near that person. wanting to spend more time with them, having a hard time saying goodbye, and staring at your partner's photos are all signs of heart love. it's also that feeling inside you when you hear those three magic words. heart love can lead us to do silly things, like midnight drives in the rain, and it's probably what romeo and juliet were feeling when they snuck away together.

now we come to sex love. sex love shows itself after a long day out in the world, coming home and embracing as soon as the door is closed. sex love is the throw down, the i-need-you-now, the groceries-in-hand kisses. the passion, when you stare at your partner and just admire the little idiosyncrasies that make them yours. when the hedonists in you both find paradise in one another's arms, and never feel it is enough. sex love is exclusive, primal, and absolutely worth losing sleep over.

so what happens when one of these loves is out of line? the relationship is so close to perfect, but part of you is left a little unsatisfied.

if mind love is out of line, you might end up fighting where understanding is needed, or resenting the logic of your partner's decisions.

if heart love is out of line, someone might be too busy to make the "goodnight" call, or you might start wondering if your partner still has feelings for a former fling.

if sex love is out of line, your once passionate kisses could turn into pecks.

i realize this is a grand simplification of relationships, and that there will be many people who could disagree with my three concepts. However, when I look back on my own life, I see relationships which start out with two loves strong enough to overpower the missing link. As time goes on, though, the third missing love starts to show itself, and by the end of the relationship, it comes to overshadow the other two loves.

i like to think of them as the chakras of love, three glowing hot spots that everyone has in them.

it just takes the right person to light them all up.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...